2009 has been tough. Don’t get me wrong, there have been many wonderful things happen here and there, all of which I am truly thankful for! Yet there have also been so many unforeseen events that have flustered me to no end. They have cost us many dollars and much heartache. And this past month has been no exception! In fact, it has been the month to finally push me to say (or scream) “What are you trying to teach me???”
A month ago, I backed out of the garage with my van door slid ajar, ripped it right off (high deductible, ouch). The next day our camcorder died (turned out the main board failed and they needed to replace it, very costly). We used Matt’s old truck while my van was being repaired. Unfortunately it broke down on Matt two days in a row while he was on sales calls. He finally had to get it towed, we fixed it (more money). The kids pulled the rearview mirror down which tore out some glass, the entire window had to be replaced (a couple months earlier the back window shattered and had to be replaced). Two large bottles of tempera paint were spilled on our office carpet, we haven’t been able to get it all up. When we picked up my van from being repaired, Jacob tried to put a DVD in the player and it broke (before we even left the parking lot). It ended up needing to be replaced entirely. On the 4th of July, my big nice camera died (our little one broke a few months back, so that’s all we had left). Our filter in our fridge busted, and unbeknownst to us it leaked water all underneath the carpet in our dining room. A couple days later it became VERY apparent as our house had a rancid smell! (smelled very similar to a couple months earlier when our master bath’s toilet leaked down thru the ceiling of our 1st floor, rotted out some of our subflooring, we had to replace some of it and all the linoleum as well) A few days later we finally made the tough decision to put our older cat, Mouse, down. That was hard enough on it’s own, but what finally broke me was the next day our other cat disappeared…
One thing after another after another… One night after VBS, I lay in bed and was praying to God, “What are you trying to teach me?!? Whatever it is, PLEASE help me learn it fast because I can’t keep getting things taken away from me!” (I feel slightly silly saying that as I know some of you aren’t animal lovers and don’t understand how much loss there is when losing a very loved cat…or two!) (And 3 years ago, we lost three cats in one week…it all just came rushing back when this all happened last week) Anywho, I finally just broke down. I wept, and I wept, and I wept some more...
I was telling Matt last night how frustrated I am. One moment I feel so sad, I can’t stop the tears, I just want to lock myself in my bathroom. The next moment I am ticked at all the unfortunate things that have happened, how much time and inconvenience this has all caused (all the calls to insurance and auto repair shops and manufacturers, taking it out on my kids while they wait less-than-patiently for Mommy to get off all these phone calls, etc.). And then, I feel hallow, and THAT’S what gets me. We’ve talked about surprising the kids with a kitty (or two now that Jack is gone…) for Juliana’s birthday. But I’ve gotta say, I have no desire to have kittens right now! And that is soooo not like me! I just get that stone feeling, that “why, what’s the use, it’s just one more thing to get attached to and taken away?” Not to mention, Jenna is a pill and I honestly don’t know how she would handle having kittens (that’s another story). So if I already have to deal with Jenna being a pill in general, why add her screaming bloody murder every time a kitten comes into her sight?!? She already screams every time she sees a pool, or a dog, or a darn 3” balloon filled with one teaspoon worth of water! (Karen can testify to that one!)
So I keep asking God, “What are you wanting me to learn? Please tell me…”
When I got done working out today, I picked up my bible and again said “Please teach me, God, I need you to!” I flipped open my bible to where I left off last time I read…Luke 18:18-30, titled “Jesus Speaks to the Rich Young Man.” Let’s skip to verse 22, “When Jesus heard this, he said to him, ‘You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’” In my Life Application notes it says “This man’s wealth made his life comfortable and gave him power and prestige. When Jesus told him to sell everything he owned, Jesus was touching the very basis of his security and identify. The man did not understand that he would be even more secure if he followed Jesus than he was with all his wealth. Jesus does not ask all believers to sell everything they have, although this may be his will for some. He does ask us all, however, to get rid of anything that has become more important than God. If your basis for security has shifted from God to what you own, it would be better for you to get rid of those possessions.” The bible then talks about how hard it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. The notes say, “The rich in talent or intelligence suffer the same difficulty. It is difficult for a self-sufficient person to realize his or her need and come to Jesus, but ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.’”
I don’t think of myself as a rich person, we are a one income family with three kids :-) But I do know that we still have a number of “toys,” if you will. Almost all of our “toys,” and now our cats, have been taken away from us over the last month. And now we currently have many things listed on Ebay and Craigslist in effort to pay for the replacement of some of these items, or to pay for the deductibles to get them repaired.
But how much of my happiness, my life’s contentment, has rested upon these things? Where does my priority lay? Do I spend as much time trying to strengthen my walk with God as I do snapping pictures or ruffling our kitties fluffy necks? (again, tears) Have I lost sight of what’s truly important in life and placed too much importance on “stuff”? Do I spend as much time in prayer as I do looking for our lost cat or on Ebay trying to find a replacement camera?
The last Life Application note I underlined in my bible today was “Don’t dwell on what you have given up; think about what you have gained and give thanks for it. You can never outgive God.”
I don’t know if this is the lesson God has wanted me to learn in 2009, or in this past month, but it’s what I’ve been putting a lot of thought into today, and I know it’s a good lesson overall. A lesson I feel I’ve learned the hard way. And it’s my prayer that by attempting to make God my #1 priority, and being in the Word regularly, that just maybe I can learn some of these lessons a little more easily and in advance. A sort of “eternal insurance” that doesn’t require the long annoying wait time while listening to irritating hold music, only to find that you are about to speak to someone from another country that barely speaks English…oh sorry, did I just say that out loud? :o) What I want most in life is to spend eternity with God, for my family to spend eternity with God, and to…I almost said “make it thru life on earth in the meantime” – but really to live a life of purpose. To live a life worth living. To help lead others to Christ. To make an eternal difference for myself and others. To do what GOD wants me to do. How I spend my time, how I spend my money, how I raise my children, how I treat my husband, the kind of daughter and friend I am… I am severely lacking in so many of these areas! So I pray, for God to help me be what He wants me to be, and do what He wants me to do. And in the meantime, keep the mercy and grace comin’, cuz I’m gonna need it!
